Citate amuzante

[kos]

un link super dragutz http://koti.welho.com/alaari/lodger/

[kos]

Vreau sa va marturisesc ca incepand de astazi am un nou idol in persoana domnului prof. univ. dr. Gh. Bashanu, care dupa cum spune si numele are o carte plina de bashini, din care am sa va impartasesc doar doua. Eram la sala de lectura incercand sa invatz pentru examen, si a trebuit sa plec pentru ca am inceput sa rad de unul singur de se uitau aia la mine ca la prosti )))

1. Prima se refera la codurile asociate in orice firma, fiecarui produs sau materie prima.
"sistemul utilizat trebuie sa permita obtinerea unor coduri cu un numar de caractere relativ redus (pentru a nu incarca inutil capacitatea de inmagazinare a calculatorului)....[...]."
Nu stiu exact la ce fel de calculatoare se gandea el in momentul in care a scris borala asta :bleah: , dar daca exista vreun motiv pentru care respectivele coduri de identificare trebuie sa aiba un numar redus de caractere, nu cred ca are vreo legatura cu capacitatea de stocare sau procesare a calculatoarelor (cartea a fost publicata in 2004).

2. Daca primul citat mi-a starnit un zambet inocent, urmatorul a smuls cateva lacrimi care m-au determinat sa parasesc sala. Trebuie spus ca materia asta ("Managementul aprovizionarii si desfacerii") se preda in anul 4 la facultatea de management. Importanta acestei informatii in pregatirea mea profesionala, ramane un mister prea profund pentru mine, cat despre limbajul folosit, nu mai zic nimic. :con:

"Rezistenta sculei pana la uzura sa completa R se determina folosind relatia:

R=(Plt/Plu +1) x tf(1-k),

in care:
Plu = lungimea partii active a sculei aschietoare care se pierde la o reascutire;
Plt = lungimea totala a partii active a sculei aschietoare;
l = prima perioada de folosire a sculei noi;
tf =timpul de intrebuintare a sculei intre doua reascutiri succesive;
k = coeficientul deteriorarii accidentale a sculei inainte de termenul stabilit. Acest coeficient depinde de calitatea materialului din care este confectionata scula si de conditiile de exploatare a acesteia; el variaza intre 0.05 - 0.01."
;a :fuck:

[Opa-Opa]

1.Anul reeditarii nu cred ca are de-a face cu anul redactarii textului (care, dupa parerea mea e scris in perioada calculatoarelor cu cartele perforate)

2.Exprimarea nu mi se pare deplasata, mintea ta de student pervers fiind cea care-i atribuie diverse conotatii

tot respectul pentru Dom' Profesor Univ. Dr.

[Opa-Opa]

[28/02/05] Item added by Mister_P3nis ::
ofera locuri de munca in strainatate.
Creati-va un CV in limba italiana si expediati-l pe adresa de e-mail Mister_p3nis@yahoo.com.
Specificati domeniul dorit,sau id msngr Mister_P3nis.
Rog Seriozitate

WTF? :con:

[BraXis]

ceva amuzant aici :> http://www.compfused.com/directlink/650/ ... baga'ti'va okularu !!!

[kshu]

Erau vreo 3 filmuletze anu trecut ... in ultimu il punea sa repare tastatura .

[[stryder]]

Femeia de serviciu, proaspat violata, la interogatoriu, descrie cum s-a trezit fata in fata cu faptasul, pe coridor..-Bine, dar de ce nu ai incercat sa fugi?!? -Pai unde sa fug, maica? In stanga perete, in dreapta perete, in spate d'abia spalasem...

Un avion zbura spre Montreal, cand o blonda se ridica de pe locul ei de la Economic Class si se aseaza pe un loc de la First Class.
Insotitorul de zbor o vede si o roaga sa-i arate biletul. Apoi, ii spune blondei ca ea a platit un loc la Economic Class asa ca va trebui sa se aseze in spate.
Blonda ii da replica: "Sunt blonda, sunt frumoasa, merg la Montreal si am de gand sa stau aici!"
Insotitorul intra in cabina pilotilor si le spune de bomba blonda care nu vrea sa stea pe locul platit ci sta la First Class. Copilotul se duce la ea si incearca sa-i explice din nou cum stau lucrurile.
Blonda ii raspunde la fel: "Sunt blonda, sunt frumoasa, merg la Montreal si am de gand sa stau aici!" Copilotul ii spune pilotului ca - probabil - vor trebui sa astepte pana la aterizare si acolo sa o dea pe mana politiei si sa fie arestata.
Pilotul ii raspunde: "Ce spui?...e blonda?...Ma ocup eu atunci. Sunt insurat cu o blonda. Eu vorbesc "limbajul"!
Se duce la blonda, ii sopteste ceva la ureche, la care ea :"Oh, ma scuzati..." si se muta inapoi pe locul ei de la clasa Economic. Insotitorul de zbor si copilotul sunt uimiti si il intreaba ce i-au spus de a reusit s-o faca sa se mute la locul ei fara sa mai faca scandal.

"I-am spus ca First Class-ul nu merge la Montreal!"



Superstire!...Un studiu independent a dovedit cei care au o viata sexuala proasta citesc acest mesaj cu mana pe MOUSE ! ... Deci exact unde tii tu mana acu!!!


Doi purici au castigat la LOTO 6 din 49.
- Tu ce ai de gand sa faci cu banii castigati? intreaba unul dintre ei.
- In primul rand, imi cumpar un caine numai al meu...




to be continued

[kshu]

http://www.onzin.nl/fufme/index.htm si o poza cum functioneaza http://www.onzin.nl/fufme/faq-use.html .

[Huci]

Intr-o celula de inchisoare erau un zoofil, un necrofil, un sadic si un masochist. Plictisindu-se ei la un moment dat incepe zoofilu': - Mama, de-as avea acuma o pisica! mama ce i-as face, pe toate partile si in toate pozitiile, pana ar muri, dupa care as arunca-o. Necrofilu' : - Cum s-o arunci, esti nebun? as lua-o si as f.., s-o simt asa rece, pana as desfigura-o, dupa care as arunca-o si eu. Sadicu : - Cum s-o arunci, ma? c-as da cu ea de toti peretii, pana i-ar zbura toate matele, etc, dupa care, da, poti s-o tot arunci. - Masochistu: ... nimic ... Cei trei stau mirati si asteapta si varianta lui... Masochistu : miau !

[[stryder]]

1. O furnica vroia sa treaca un rau si fiind mica ii era frica
sa nu o ia curentul si sa se inece. Vede un elefant
si ii zice:
-Elefantule nu ai putea sa ma treci si pe mine apa ?
Elefantul o ia pe trompa si o trece apa. Furnica spune:
-Elefantule, esti cea mai marinimoasa, indatoritoare,gentila
persoana...
-Hai lasa vorba si dezbraca-te !

(o mica paranteza aici- ahahahahahhahahahahhaha)


2. Un elefant si o furnica petrec o noapte impreuna. A doua zi
cand se trezeste furnica gaseste elefantul mort. Plina de necaz
spune:
-Fir-ar sa fie de treaba, pentru o singura noapte de
placere trebuie sa platesc o viata intreaga sapandu-i groapa!



3.O furnica se plimba prin savana. Deodata o balega de elefant
cade peste ea. Dupa doua ore reuseste furnica sa iasa:
-Sa fiu a dracului, drept in ochi m-a lovit!



4. Un musuroi de furnici se bate cu un elefant. Fiecare
incearca sa-l muste, sa-l gadile, sa-l ciupeasca, ma rog, ce
poate. La un
moment dat una dintre ele ajunge pe gatul elefantului, iar celelalte
disperate incep sa-i strige:
-SUGRUMA-L! SUGRUMA-L!

[[stryder]]

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"


ahahahahah

[kshu]

sinner : Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[Huci]

Maggi
http://www.taredisco.ro/muie/

[Opa-Opa]

69 was railed by 70
69: :)
70: =)
69: :)
69: :)
69 was railed by 70
69: gay
70: io nu...
69: K
70 was railed by 69
70: =)
69: :)
69 was gunned down by 70
69: :)
70: lesbi
69: gl
69 disconnected
70: =)
70: =)
70: =)
\condump 1.txt

wtf?

[Huci]

640K ought to be enough for anybody. (Bill Gates, 1981)
A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
Air Conditioned Environment - Do not open Windows!
...and remember: WWW does not stand for "World Wide Windows"
Apples have been a problem ever since Eden.
Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it
could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
Best file compression around: DEL *.* - 100% compressed.
Best way to accelerate Windows? Throw it harder...!
"Bother," said Poo, and deleted Windows.
But why spend $2,000.00 just to run Windows?
Buy Stacker? Why not just delete Windows?!
C:\ONGRTLNS.W95
Congratulations Windows 95
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
Difference between a virus and Windows? Viruses never fail.
Does Microsoft mean small and limp?
Double your drive space! Delete Windows!
Error #152 - Windows not found:
(C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I!
Hiroshima '45 - Tschernobyl '86 - Windows '95
How do you want to crash today?
I can't use Windows. My cat ate my mouse.
I put BUGS=OFF in CONFIG.SYS and now Windows won't load!
I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
I've been known to scrub toilets, but I don't do Windows.
if (2.0 = = 1.999999963) printf("Pentium inside!\n");
If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a
Macintosh.
It's not a virus... it's just Windows 95.
Microsoft is not the answer, it's the question and the answer is NO.
Microsoft Windows - Who Do You Have To Blow Today?
My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
P200 + Windows '95 = Maserati with the parking brake on.
People who think MS-DOS and Windows are the slickest thing since sliced butter should be forced to wear a sign
stating "This mind intentionally left blank".
Prepare to destroy the Borg! Ensign, upload Windows!
Some call it Windows, others the longest batch file of the world.
Speed Kills. Use Microsoft Windows.
The best way to accelerate a PC is at 9.8 m/s^2.
The Magic of Windows: Turns a Pentium into an XT.
The number of the beast is not 666. The number is 95, and he is awake!
This room is air-conditioned and the SUN is shining the NeXT days -- so don't open Windows(tm).
This Virus requires Microsoft Windows...
Turn your Pentium into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:\>
Walk through doors, don't crawl through Windows.
Welcome to hell - here's your copy of Windows.
Windows 95, brings the power of yesterday computers today.
Windows: A 80486 to 80286 conversion kit.
Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
Windows IS NOT a virus... viruses do something.
Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
Windows - the 8MB Solitaire game!
Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
With Windows 3.11, we were on the edge of the cliff. With Windows 95, we made a big step forward.
You need the computing power of a P5, 16 MB RAM and 1 GB Harddisk to run Win95. It took the computing power
of 3 Commodore 64 to fly to the Moon. Something is wrong here, and it wasn't the Apollo.
Your mouse has moved. Windows has to reboot for changes to take effect.

==========================================================

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs --only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for 4,500 bucks.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
JOHN BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
BILL CLINTON 96 VIRUS: This virus will say anything to you to get into your computer. But once you let it in, does anything it wants to. It has been known to lie and cheat on its mother board. You know your computer has this virus when your screen turns white and spells out water.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
NEW YORK JETS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
BOUCHARD VIRUS: Attempts to remove the hard drive from your computer. If that doesn't work it terminates and stays resident at public expense.
CANADA POST VIRUS: It would have infected you if it hadn't gotten lost transferring to your hard disk.
HP MARKETING VIRUS: Attempts to make you belive that your 3000 is a 9000, then disappears.

==========================================================

[Opa-Opa]

te apuca mirarea cand descoperi in teroristul de langa tine un adevarat credincios...

[01:27:50] <Bynladen> Hristos a inviat!

sau
[01:54:10] <zL0b0z3L> HRISTOS A INVIAT TO ALLZ !!!