Bittersweet symphony of a rose

[Wild Rose]

As a child I used to believe that inherent in the word loss was the implication that what is lost can be found. A 4-year old cries over the loss of her dog, then shouts with joy when a neighbor returns him. A mother finds her daughter’s favorite doll in the lost-and-found bin. A successful business man loses his vast fortune one year, and recovers it the next. From the eyes of a child, the cycle seemed logical.

When I was 5 years old, I found a beautiful shell on the beach. Its translucent pink color and delicate curvature attracted me to it and I carried it home excitedly. I created a small box in which I could keep my treasure, and whenever I wanted a special wish granted I would take it out. One day, as I opened the box, almost impatiently, I discovered that the shell shattered into a million tiny pieces. The shell was gone, and it could never be replaced.

Over the years, I lost other much more beautiful treasures. Fiery gems along the colorless stones that make up our world.

Now I understand the true meaning of the word loss: the recognition, day after day, that the thing you lost can never be found.

[Wild Rose]

Inchid ochii. Intuneric. Tacere. Nu stiu unde merg, nu stiu de unde vin. Patul este gol, si totusi nefacut. A venit timpul sa plec, sa evadez in lumea mea ireala, paradisul meu intunecat.. E noapte si insfarsit pot sa visez.

[Wild Rose]

Tortured, beaten, and confused I wander around the mazes I built not long ago... From where I stand, writhing in my misery, I can see the beauty and chaos of my existence. I want to find a way out and reach out to touch you. Remind you of long forgotten yesterdays. The venom pours from my veins and still I cannot reach you. If I cannot come, if you shall never see me again, I ask only that you carve me from your memories.

[Wild Rose]

"White rose perfume go with thee on thy way unto the shaded tomb ,low music doth fall lightly as autumn leaves about they solemn pall. Faint incense rises. O'you, you fell away from me my love, like all earthly things vanish into death's cold mysteries. Serpents marked with azure rings cathedrals where rich shadows fall, things strange curious solemn saviour. You promised me laughter in autumn days, now I can't awake from this lucid haze, I can't awake to laugh with you, I'm so weary. Claws upon my flesh and statues of lost souls dominate this house. Angels have no pity, their wings have
turned to stone. Come travel naked lovers beyond all dimensions of heaven and lie enchanted forever in the lucid garden of dreams. In all animate sources and creation of belief we travel seas ofillusions that begin at our dreams. Ethereal architects masters of all fate..." --> A funeral request (ethereal architect)

Concentreaza-te asupra lumanarii Alina...
Incerc sa nu vad, sa nu simt, sa nu aud... Uneori realitatea e prea dura. Pentru o fractiune de secunda, indraznesc sa-mi ridic privirea... Il vad pe EL. Ochii sai albastri sunt plini de lacrimi. E doar un copil. Nu intelege ce se intampla, aude doar galagia infernala din jurul sau.. E speriat.
-----
Lumanarea s-a stins, iar cand imi ridic privirea din nou, observ ca EL zambeste. Oare visez?

[Wild Rose]

Am fost atinsa de un inger...

[Wild Rose]

...And when you wanted blood, I cut my veins
And when you wanted love, I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you, I'd give you up forever.
And here i go far away, I know you, you'll find another slave.


Pe brate mi se preling suvite subtiri, calde de sange... Am promis ca nu voi plange, si desi pare absurd incerc sa rad. Ti-am furat visele iar acum ma hranesc cu sangele tau. Un plan perfect, dus pana la capat.. Vad durerea din ochii tai si desi nu sunt fericita, zambesc... Pentru ca tu ai pierdut iar eu am iesit invingatoare. Pentru ca peste cateva zile, un sicriu din lemn va fi ingropat sub o cruce pe care va fi scris numele tau.
...Si totusi unde este fericirea? Ochii tai se intalnesc cu ai mei, si desi nu-mi vorbesti aud fiecare cuvant. Imi ceri sa te salvez... Imi cer sa iti ofer viata pe care incerc cu disperare sa ti-o rapesc. "Nu te speria...Nu o sa doara" iti soptesc, dupa care imi apropii buzele de gatul tau. In seara aceasta, sangele tau curge pentru mine.
Si plang...Am omorat un inger.

[Wild Rose]

"Weak and sick I crawl, in the dust of past mistakes"

Toata lumea greseste...Stiu asta, si totusi caut disperata perfectiunea, amagindu-ma cu iluzii si vise... Tot ce gasesc este dezamagire...

"Leaving for the darkness, of tears and old heartaches"

Din cand in cand, ma trezesc din somn, iar in acele clipe vad durere. Lumea plange, lacrimi amare si totusi dulci. In lumea mea, in visul meu... Ingerii au lacrimi de sange...

"Suffer in this grief, of forever burning hate"

Te urasc dar te iubesc... Te urasc pentru ca zambesti, te iubesc fiindca esti mai slab ca mine.

"The ashes of my life, by the torment you create"

Seara de seara, iti apropi buzele de gatul meu. Sangele meu iti da viata. Dragoste pana la ultima picatura.. de sange.

"On my knees remembering, the wasted years of dark insanity"

[Wild Rose]

I can feel you coursing through my dieing heart
from the inside out, tearing my soul apart ...
With each breath I take I feel the pain
Feel the wrath of your existence.
I want to get you out
but you're what pumps life through my veins ...
Sweet love laced with bitter poison
Seathing gorgeous eyes
hiding your deciet and lies ...
Never mind that sound,
It's just my world crashing down around my feet
Walk away from my mangled body
so that my heart may bleed in peace
instead of the pieces lying on the floor
carving into pain the details of the past
jagged shardes of truth among the blood stained glass
these scars that even time won't be able to outlast ...
watching you through shielded cries
even death with not disguise the fatal wonder of my mind
and you must know by now we're dieing...

[Wild Rose]

- Do you believe in love?
I heard the question, but I didn’t acknowledge it. I averted my eyes quickly and pretended to be engrossed in something else, anything else. His eyes followed my every move, and I knew he was waiting. I remember lighting my cigarette, inhaling and then slowly exhaling.
- Love?
I repeated the word, as if for the first time. I wanted to beg him to stop. To this day I don’t understand why he would torture me with such a question, when he knew so well I stopped believing in love a long time ago.
- Do you even believe in it? Are you capable of even conceiving the image of something beautiful, something pure?
I smirked, and then allowed the smirk to turn into a smile and eventually into an incontrollable laugh. My whole body shook, and though I was trying desperately to stop, I couldn’t. I knew I was hurting him. I knew all the words he wanted me to say, every move he wanted me to make. But I was tired of lying. The truth (no matter how horrid it may be) is always better than a beautiful lie. He couldn’t handle the truth though. I realized then that I no longer cared. I was tired of protecting him from me.
Then, abruptly, I stopped laughing and all that surrounded me was silence.
- I try to understand but I don’t. I have proved to you who I am, what I am, what I am capable of. I despise what I’ve become and yet you cling to me as if you could save me, as if there were any hope left that tomorrow the sun will rise. Bullshit. In my fucking world babe, that tiny creature called Hope was never released from Pandora’s box. You can talk to me about love, and I will tell you of hate. Rant all you want about passion, it’s just goddamn sex. You protect yourself from everything you don’t want to see, you avoid everything you don’t want to be. Don't you understand that everything you despise I am?


Months have passed since then, perhaps even years. Somewhere along the line, I lost track of time. The memories of that day are still with me though. It took me a long time to realize that HE never existed and the conversation never took place. A long time to see that it was just a dream, and that he wasn’t a friend, or a boyfriend, or a relative. He was simply a part of me, the piece of broken glass that had survived the day when my whole world came crashing down.
When I finally accepted his departure, I began seeing life differently. Every now and then someone asks me about love.. I no longer laugh, and somehow I don’t find enough energy to smile. Maybe it does exist, I wouldn’t know. That night, with the moon above us, I murdered him. Murdered the last shred of beauty existing in me. I heard Heaven scream and demons laugh, as my knife slowly made its way to his heart. I woke up the next day, surrounded the blood. And only then did I allow the tears to flow...

[Wild Rose]

[size=75][i]Ploua.. Imi place sa simt picaturile cazand pe corpul meu, imi place sa simt durerea, sa fiu orbita de ploaie.

...Nu stiu de ce, dar stand pe balcon incercand sa ma gandesc despre ce sa mai scriu in “jurnalul meuâ€Â

[Wild Rose]

N-ai cum sa lasi, cum sa uiti
Totul in noapte
Oricat ti-ar parea de usor
Stinge o stea - si ramai pe sub pleoape
Stinge si luna amar cu un nor

Rosu aprins - coloreaza-mi tacerea
Rosu aprins - pe un suras ce s-a stins
Rosu aprins - sa-mi ascunda durerea

In noapte ma pierd - cu noaptea te iert
Te ascund intre coaste ce dor
Cu luna amara
cand tot ce-mi doresc e rosu aprins
Nu vreau sa te pierd in lumea de-afara
Ramai neschimbata - rosu nestins!

Daca telefonu' n-ar fi sunat la 11, probabil ca as dormi si acum ... Sunt prea obosita sa ma ridic din pat , prea obosita sa vorbesc , sa simt ... Asa ca ma pierd printre iluzii si deziluzii , ingropand realitatea in nori de fum .
Incep sa alerg, constienta fiind ca totul se intampla doar in mintea mea , caci corpul meu este incontinuare incapabil de a face pana si cea mai mica miscare ... Si totusi am obosit, simt ca nu mai pot, ca trebuie sa ma opresc. Inchid ochii din nou si , fara ezitare , ma arunc in gol .

[Wild Rose]

Sometimes, I wish I had wings, and I raise my arms into the wind hoping it will catch me and carry me away, but it never does and the blood on my face reminds me that I have fallen...

What scared me the most were here blue-green eyes. Always wide and alert, as if waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on her next victim. They were the perfect barrier to a labyrinth filled with loathsome desires and vicious illusions, representing not only who she was but who she hoped I’d one day be.
Imprisoned in my mirror, she’d bite her lower lip delicately and coil a small strand of hair on her fingers, toying with it indefinitely, waiting for me to turn her way. At night, her whispers would fill the room and I could practically hear the venom pouring through her veins, her heart pounding rhythmically to a peculiar beat... Desperate to get out, to live, to destroy and conquer...

Now, I am the one standing on the other side of the mirror, forever cursed to be a part of her. What I did not accept then, I must face now. Every morning she places herself in front of the mirror and combs her blond hair as I cry out, agonized. I am a part of her just as she is a part of me. Identical to the marrow. And yet she's betrayed by the wild look in her eyes.

[Wild Rose]

Acum nu-ti mai cer nimic. Vreau doar sa stiu daca din cand in cand it mai amintesti de noptile noastre, pierdute in alcool ieftin. Spune-mi doar daca mai simti mirosul parfumului meu ...