In English

[Arthemis]

" Three rings of marriage: engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. "

[tzache]

what duz a cop say to a condom?
- cover me, i`m goin` in!

&

my momma is so poor, she duzn`t have enough money to pay attention

Mai stiam cateva cu My momma... cum imi aduc aminte zic

[memetshot]

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent
$5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home
she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving,
she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking,
but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm
actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the
order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you
look about 29?" "I am actually
47." That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same
question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to
tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell",
and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around
for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are
47."

Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do
that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"

[nbm]

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

[Icstrym]

Why don't sharks eat niggers?
They think it's whale shit.

[RajaF]

Hai ca eu am o gramada de bancuri cu Chuck Norris, nu ma intrebati de ce:

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you.
If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does.

[memetshot]

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia mountain couple decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor:
- I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.
- Trust me, said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
- One, two, three, four, five... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Virginia, Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas and parts of Missouri.

[memetshot]

For sale by Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last
weekend. Wife knows fucking everything!

[nbm]

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife
--------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!". My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed
Rich and Free!

[nbm]

There was a farmer that had four daughters. One night he heard a knock
at the door and found a young man standing there. The young man said:

"My name is Freddy.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."

The farmer thought that this was cute so he let them go out. Pretty soon
there was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He
said:

"My name is Vance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?"

Again the farmer thought this was cute and let them go. Soon another
knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said:

"My name is Moe.
I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show.
Is she ready to go?"

Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Again there was a knock on
the door and a young man was standing there. He began:

"My name is Chuck."

The farmer shot him...

[memetshot]

A ugly woman walks into a shop with her two children.

She walks around the shop, picks what she wants and goes to the counter to pay.

The man behind the counter can't help but stare at this really ugly looking woman with her two children.

She puts her shopping on the counter and as the man is scanning the items the ugly woman gets all offended by his constant staring and asks him what he is staring at.

The man asks whether her kids are twins.

She says "No. one is 12 the other is 7. Why ask?

Well......I just couldn't believe that someone would f**k you twice!"

[nbm]

Brave, Intelligent, Gentle, Polite, Energetic, Non-alcoholic, Industrious, Self-organised.

In short, B.I.G.P.E.N.I.S

[EpicMan]

A: Lissen....do you hear that?That's a Dickfor
B: What's a Dickfor?
A: To pee with !

[EpicMan]

WHY DID THE CICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


Teacher To get to the other side.
Plato For the greater food.
Aristotle It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Karl Marx It was a historical inevitability.
Timothy Leary Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
Saddam Hussein This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan I forget.
Captain James T. Kirk To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Heinrich v. Pierer The cicken really crossed only ONE road??? It was planed to cross at least five to be profitable... The complete mews get now one more year to afford the turnaround, otherwise we have to think about an outsourcing. Because we have to think at first about our shareholders...
Anderson Consulting Deregulation of the chickens side of the road was threatening it's dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Anderson Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking it's physical distribution strategy and implementation process. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Anderson helped the chicken use it's skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chickens people, processes and technology in support of it's overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Anderson Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and aligned with the chickens mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Anderson Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Louis Farrakhan The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King, Jr. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Moses And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road for you to believe it?
Richard M. Nixon The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken DID NOT cross the road.
Machiavelli The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Jerry Seinfeld Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was the chicken doing wandering around all over the place anyway?"
Freud The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates I have just released the new Chicken Office XP (with integrated Internet Seed Explorer), which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Oliver Stone The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who is crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?
Darwin Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are genetically disposed to cross roads.
Einstein Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway To die.... In the rain!
Colonel Sanders I missed one?
Rob Wilmot Who cares as long as it lays me a hard boiled egg.

[EpicMan]

Cred k stiti cantecul,dar ptr cei care nu il stiu e pacat sa nu il afle acum

Dear penis, I don't think I like you anymore
You used to watch me shave, now all you do is stare at the floor, Oh dear penis I don't like you anymore.

It used to be you and me a paper towel and a dirty magazine,
thats all we needed to get by.
Now it seems things have changed and i think that you're the one to blame,
Dear penis I don't like you anymore

-He Sings-
Dear Rodney, I don't think I like you anymore,
Coz' when you get to drinkin' you put me places I've never been before, Dear Rodney I don't like you anymore

Why can't we just get a grip on our man-a-hand relationship
Come to terms with truly how we feel
If we put our heads together, We'd just stay home forever
Dear Penis, I think I like you after all..
Oh and rodney, While you're shaving shave my balls.

[Arthemis]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two children. She walks around
the shop, picks what she wants and goes to the counter to pay. The man
behind the counter can't help but stare at this really offensive looking
woman with her two children. She puts her shopping on the counter and as
the man is scanning the items the ugly woman gets all offended by his
constant staring and asks him what he is staring at. The man asks
whether her kids are twins She says "No. one is 12 the other is 7. Why
ask? Well......I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice!"

[nbm]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:
"NO sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[tzache]

My momma`s teeth are so yellow that the traffic stops when she smiles.

(Corectaţ greşealele de grama tică dacă este.)

[RajaF]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people; he made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Procrastinate Now!

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[Weet-weet]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied,
"Then you ask him ".

[nbm]

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Pri est again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but complaining since you got here."

[nbm]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[nbm]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

[nbm]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked:
"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered:
"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[wwritza]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

[nbm]

Can the English language survive after Bush?

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. "
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. "
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ' to be prepared '. "
- George W. Bush

" I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. "
- George W. Bush

" The future will be better tomorrow." George W. Bush

" We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. "
- George W. Bush

" I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush

" We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe."
- George W. Bush

" Public speaking is very easy. "
- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. "
- George W. Bush

" We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "
- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority. "
- George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. "
- George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. "
- George W. Bush

" It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush


God help America.

[nbm]

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about
"Oral Sex":

3% - liked the warmth

4% enjoyed the sensation.

93% appreciated the silence.

[cubu]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt t o his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?

[memetshot]

Morons of 2005

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles ha d good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE: Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[RajaF]

I went to the doctor and told him I am a clepto'.

He told me to take something for it.