In English

bancuri de toate felurile. se servesc calde

Mesajde nbm » Joi Mai 25, 2006 10:24 am

Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers.

To give the film a twist and some "oomph" he decides to cast the great action heroes of today in the leading roles. He calls Sylvester Stallone, Arnie Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal into his office to hear who they would like to play:

"Well," began Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" says Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," says Seagal. "I'd like to play him."

"Splendid", says Spielberg, very pleased with these choices.

Then,turning to Schwarzenegger, he asks, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says:

"I'll be Bach!"
GOD must love STUPID PEOPLE. HE made SO MANY!!!
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Mesajde adonys » Vin Iun 02, 2006 3:07 pm

In an attempt to stop the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has just bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next...
odi et amo
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Mesajde memetshot » Mar Iun 27, 2006 4:18 pm

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies.
A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he says, "What the hell are you doing?" To which she replies,
"We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."
Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.
The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets blow job?"

The nurse says, "That, my dear sir, is the difference between Medicare and private insurance.
I'm sorry, but the position of annoying, incoherent talking animal has already been taken
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Mesajde nbm » Joi Iun 29, 2006 11:12 am

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a YUPPIE, you know... Young, Urban, Professional."
The second guy says "I'm a DINK, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a RUB, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, F*#k, Etc."
GOD must love STUPID PEOPLE. HE made SO MANY!!!
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Mesajde nbm » Joi Iul 13, 2006 11:42 am

Teeth down there

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room
while shopping with her.

The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him
sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN
HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars
that nothing serious happened.

So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking
that all women have teeth down below.

By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her
parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him
to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her
privates.

"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."

"What?? No I don't," she responds.

"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she
pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have
teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she screams. With that, she whips off her
panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have
any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."
GOD must love STUPID PEOPLE. HE made SO MANY!!!
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Top 3 Most Embarassing Moments

Mesajde nbm » Joi Aug 03, 2006 4:38 pm

A competition was recently held to find out the most embarrassing
moments in people's lives. The following are the final three winners:

Third Place:
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but
my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard
the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I
give her a piggy-back ride to the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly
came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!" My entire family,
aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing
there. My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock
and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise birthday party
again.

Second Place:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now,
she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee(dick) last night!". The silence was
deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out
of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the
door closed behind me was the scream of laughter.

And the Winner Is ...
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels
found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked,
"If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male
semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on
to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young
thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence,
the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and
as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather
implied),she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the
class, and never returned.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a
classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't
taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your
tongue and not in the back of your throat!
GOD must love STUPID PEOPLE. HE made SO MANY!!!
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Mesajde cubu » Mar Aug 08, 2006 11:06 pm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."
indescifrabil
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Mesajde nbm » Joi Aug 24, 2006 4:21 pm

inca unu de la memetu :D

A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.

She replies, "Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken."
GOD must love STUPID PEOPLE. HE made SO MANY!!!
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Mesajde Arthemis » Lun Aug 28, 2006 10:52 pm

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.He asks her, "Your Majesty,
how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can
give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people.

"Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer
an intelligence riddle. The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please
send The Prime Minister in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the
room. "Your Majesty..."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's
not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him
an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin
Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush. "Say, I
did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell.

"Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
I've got PMS and a gun, don't push it!
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Mesajde memetshot » Mar Oct 03, 2006 9:19 am

Dear Abby,


I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
wife has been cheating on me.


The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."


I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and
she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?
Thanks's
John
I'm sorry, but the position of annoying, incoherent talking animal has already been taken
meropi, ramane cum am stabilit
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Mesajde nbm » Lun Oct 23, 2006 4:35 pm

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says:
"Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies:
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."


ps: Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital
GOD must love STUPID PEOPLE. HE made SO MANY!!!
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Mesajde shiona » Mar Oct 31, 2006 1:44 pm

[font=Arial]Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some
quiet.
Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice...
"Just for a moment, think outside yourself... Outside this arena...
Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A loud Irish voice from near the front pierces the moment...
"Well, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin' clappin', then!"
[/font]
"Ar trebui pus un gratar la intrarea in orice suflet.Ca sa nu se bage nimeni in el cu cutitul." M Sorescu
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Mesajde memetshot » Vin Noi 03, 2006 2:08 pm

George Bush and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bush told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About 1 hour later Bush sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you", asked Bush. Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me. "My God, what did you tell them", asks Bush. The driver replies, "I'm George Bush's driver, and I just killed the pig".
I'm sorry, but the position of annoying, incoherent talking animal has already been taken
meropi, ramane cum am stabilit
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Mesajde memetshot » Joi Mar 22, 2007 1:06 pm

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light
bulb?


A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because
no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.
They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in
this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it
OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find
the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME
CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some
miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the
chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to
change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID
@*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS
HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T
ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP
THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN
THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
I'm sorry, but the position of annoying, incoherent talking animal has already been taken
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Mesajde eliana » Lun Oct 19, 2009 11:03 am

Been In College Too Long...

You consider McDonald's "real food."

You actually like doing laundry at home.

4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.

It starts getting late on the weeknights.

Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.

You'd rather clean than study.

Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.

Computer Solitaire is more than a game, it's a way of life.

You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.You know the pizza boy by name.

You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.

You live for getting mail. (E-mail included)

Prank phone calls become funny again.

Wal-Mart is the coolest store.

World War III could take place and you'd be clueless.

You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.

Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.

Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.

You find out milk crates have so many uses.

The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night).

____________________________________________________________________
Breaking and Entering
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


__________________________________________________________________

Criminal Mastermind
An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
ghionoiul: sunt câteva domenii în care românul este în mod caracteristic atașat de tradiție - ritul bisericesc, raporturile cu familia și aspectul paginilor web

Imagine
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Re: In English

Mesajde Daimon » Joi Ian 28, 2010 12:05 pm

Welcome to the 21st Century

Our communication - Wireless
Our phones - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our food - Fatless
Our Sweets - Sugarless
Our labor - Effortless
Our relations - Fruitless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Worthless
Our Mistakes - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our youth - Jobless
Our Ladies - Topless
Our Boss - Brainless
Our Jobs - Thankless
Our Needs - Endless
Our situation - Hopeless
Our Salaries - Less and less
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Re: In English

Mesajde dutchess » Joi Feb 18, 2010 5:15 pm

Passenger, to a Sexy Air Hostess: What is your name ?
Air Hostess : Benz, Sir !
Passenger : Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedes Benz ?
Air hostess: Same price sir"
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Why Condoms come in boxes 3, 6, and12 !

Mesajde dutchess » Lun Feb 22, 2010 12:00 pm

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks:
"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school..."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied:

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
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Re: In English

Mesajde dutchess » Joi Apr 29, 2010 1:01 pm

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy…" she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....
"Didn't feel a thing."
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Re: In English

Mesajde Daimon » Joi Iun 03, 2010 4:05 pm

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
College teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
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