In English

bancuri de toate felurile. se servesc calde

In English

Mesajde Aliosha » Sâm Apr 19, 2003 5:27 am

PICK UP LINES!

(1) I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

(2) Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid because I scraped my knee when I fell for you.

(3) I hope you have a library card because I'm checking you out.

(4) Your tag says Made in USA, but I could have sworn you were made in Heaven.

(5) Hey lady, those are some nice clothes, can I talk you out of them?

(6) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

(7) Is your dad a terrorist? Cause baby your da bomb!

(8) My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

(9) Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

(10) Want to play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay
back while You blow the hell out of me.

(11) If you were a burger at McDonald's, I'd call you McBeautiful.

(12) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past you again?
Avatar utilizator
Aliosha
 
Mesaje: 5042
Membru din: Sâm Oct 20, 2001 11:00 pm

Mesajde Aliosha » Sâm Apr 19, 2003 5:28 am

He said, She said...

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to
put in it. She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He
said...It's not my fault, I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love
to you in the worst way. She said... Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... Two inches more, and I would be king. She said... Two
inches less, and you'd be queen.

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written
just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" Shesaid..."That's
a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest said... I don't think you will ever find another man like your
late husband. She said............Who's gonna look?

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you? She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight She said... Okay,
but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

AND THE NUMBER ONE "He said, She said"

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said.......I would, but you're never there.
Avatar utilizator
Aliosha
 
Mesaje: 5042
Membru din: Sâm Oct 20, 2001 11:00 pm

Mesajde dj_jaxxx » Vin Mai 30, 2003 7:55 pm

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.


My friend Joe didn't get his birthmark until he was 8.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so that when he grows up I can ask him what he meant.
Concurs NBA 2004-2005

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Avatar utilizator
dj_jaxxx
 
Mesaje: 1131
Membru din: Mar Oct 22, 2002 11:00 pm

Mesajde Weet-weet » Dum Sep 14, 2003 1:37 pm

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on
a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy
says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective
parrot."

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and
answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a
highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you
hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but
since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like
a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak
English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic:
politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm
especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me.
I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just
can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth
is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can
probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go
by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work
and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over
with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or
not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the
postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in
a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up
her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the
parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and
began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and
slowly going down . . ."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell
off my perch!"
Anti pro-ana
Avatar utilizator
Weet-weet
 
Mesaje: 2682
Membru din: Joi Iun 19, 2003 11:00 pm

Mesajde Weet-weet » Mar Sep 16, 2003 3:41 pm

"Smoking In The Rain

Two Old Ladies Were Outside Their Nursing Home, Having A Smoke, When It
Started To Rain. One Of The Ladies Pulled Out A Condom, Cut Off The End,
Put it Over Her Cigarette, And Continued Smoking.

Lady 1: What's That?

Lady 2: A Condom. This Way My Cigarette Doesn't Get Wet.

Lady 1: Where Did You Get It?

Lady 2: You Can Get Them At Any Drugstore.

The Next Day, Lady 1 Hobbles Herself Into The Local Drugstore And Announces

To The Pharmacist That She Wants A Box Of Condoms. The Guy, Obviously
Embarrassed, Looks At Her Kind Of Strangely (She Is, After All, Over 80
Years Of Age), But Very Delicately Asks What Brand She Prefers. "Doesn't
Matter, Son, As Long As It Fits A Camel."

"A Jewish Confession

An 80 year-old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following:

"Father, I am an 80 year-old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year-old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"

The old man said, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"
Anti pro-ana
Avatar utilizator
Weet-weet
 
Mesaje: 2682
Membru din: Joi Iun 19, 2003 11:00 pm

Mesajde Weet-weet » Sâm Sep 27, 2003 2:25 pm

Dark in Here


A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she shoves the kid in the closet and shuts the door. The husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
The boy says, "I have a baseball."
Man, "That's nice."
Boy, "Want to buy it?"
Man, "No, thanks."
Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$250."
The next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy, "Dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy, "$750."
Man, "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy, "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start THAT again."
Anti pro-ana
Avatar utilizator
Weet-weet
 
Mesaje: 2682
Membru din: Joi Iun 19, 2003 11:00 pm

Mesajde Dreamy_Girl » Sâm Sep 27, 2003 9:42 pm

Q; What does the boy magnet say to the girl magnet?
A: "I find you very attractive"

Q: Why were the inventors of the airplane correct in thinking they could fly?
A: Because theuy were Wright (right)
Merg mai departe-acum------------Dac-ai sti
Sa caut iar lumina sa caut iarasi--Ce-i iubirea
Ce-am pierdut----------------------Poate-ai gasi fericirea
DIRECTIA 5-"Merg mai departe/Dac-ai sti"
Avatar utilizator
Dreamy_Girl
Junior Member
 
Mesaje: 305
Membru din: Sâm Ian 11, 2003 12:00 am

Mesajde dj_jaxxx » Lun Noi 24, 2003 9:46 pm

1)It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

2)I invented the cordless extension cord

3)I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky....but there's never any gum under any of them

4)My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

5)A new survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
Concurs NBA 2004-2005

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Avatar utilizator
dj_jaxxx
 
Mesaje: 1131
Membru din: Mar Oct 22, 2002 11:00 pm

Mesajde Delphyna » Sâm Noi 29, 2003 9:28 pm

1) question : when is god most happy??

answer: when a girl is being raped and says " please leave me for god sake."

2) A boy pull down his pants and asks a girl " do u have this"

Girl lifts her skirt, slips her panty and says " my mom said if u have this u can get plenty of those"
Delphyna
 
Mesaje: 591
Membru din: Sâm Noi 29, 2003 12:00 pm
Localitate: In my secret life

Mesajde tre » Sâm Ian 31, 2004 5:47 am

if god would've wanted man to do programming he would've equipped us with serial ports.

*

wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. because she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman: i'll leave the key under the mat. fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and i'll mail you a check. oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog, he won't bother you, but, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! i repeat, do not talk to my parrot!!
when the repairman arrived at wanda's apartment the following day he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. but just as she'd said, the dog just laid there on the carpet watching the repairman do his work. the parrot however drove him nuts the whole time with his non-stop yelling, cursing and name calling.
finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: shut up you stupid ugly bird!
to which the parrot replied: get him spike!
" it's the end of the world as we know it ''
Avatar utilizator
tre
Junior Member
 
Mesaje: 1598
Membru din: Mar Mai 14, 2002 11:00 pm

Mesajde MiG29 » Mar Feb 03, 2004 1:34 pm

A reporter gets into a bar,where he sees a guy having a drink.This guy was wearing a military uniforme,wit a lot of medals hanging onto his chest,but however there was something strange with him.His head was very small,about the size of an orange.So the reporter buys the guy a drink and asks him:
-Hey tell me what happend to your head?And those medals,it`s impressive.How did u get them?
Well,you see,i was an officer in the navy,commanding my own warship.And in the Pacific,we meet the enemy.We engaged in a fight and we managed to sink their ships and kill al their crew.But however our ship sunk too and i was the only survivor.This explains all the medals i`ve got.
And?
Well i managed to get to a desert island after my ship sunk.And i sat there for three years eating fish and drinking nothing but salt water.And one day a mermaid came on that island.And she told me that she would grant me a wish.So i told her that i want to sleep with her.She said that she was half woman-half fish and she had no sexual organs.Than i asked her:How about a little head?
The Earth is full.GO HOME!
Avatar utilizator
MiG29
 
Mesaje: 7104
Membru din: Dum Apr 14, 2002 11:00 pm

Mesajde Weet-weet » Mar Feb 03, 2004 1:54 pm

God made a beautiful country , puting there the most beautiful sightseings , great mountains , it was just perfect ! So God thought he did a bit too much , so he put there , the French people .
Anti pro-ana
Avatar utilizator
Weet-weet
 
Mesaje: 2682
Membru din: Joi Iun 19, 2003 11:00 pm

Mesajde nocturna » Mar Feb 03, 2004 2:04 pm

weet-weet, just listen to wise Al Bundy:

rule number one: "it's wrong to be French"
rule number two: "it's good to hate the French.”
"Sunt un om. Mi se pare ca e de ajuns"

A.K.M. powered by another.ro
Avatar utilizator
nocturna
 
Mesaje: 8725
Membru din: Mie Dec 04, 2002 12:00 am

Bar joke...

Mesajde Aurolacul » Mar Feb 03, 2004 9:56 pm

There's this one guy that comes into a pub with a piece of asphalt under one arm. He goes to the bar and tells the barman: Can I have 2 pints please? He pays the bill, then proceeds to drink a pint while pouring another over the piece of asphalt under his arm. The barman thinks that this is quite strange, but says nothing. Next, the man repeats the procedure. He goes to the bar, buys 2 pints, drinks one, while pouring the other over the piece of asphalt. The barman watches this curious show again and is unable to stop his curiosity so he asks the person:
"Hey I see that you always have e habit of buying 2 pints. While you drink one, the other one you pour it over the piece of asphalt that you are carrying under your arm."
"Well, I always buy 2 pints, one for me and one for the road!"
"For evil men to succeed all it takes is for good men to do nothing"
Avatar utilizator
Aurolacul
Junior Member
 
Mesaje: 1753
Membru din: Vin Feb 15, 2002 12:00 am

Mesajde dj_jaxxx » Joi Feb 05, 2004 5:05 pm

A guy wanted to kill himself one day so he goes up on the roof of a building. After a few minutes of hesitation, he finally jumps but accidentally does a triple flip and lands standing up. Two cats, an older one and a young one, witnessed the entire scene. The old one said to the kitten: "You see, that's how you do that."
Concurs NBA 2004-2005

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Avatar utilizator
dj_jaxxx
 
Mesaje: 1131
Membru din: Mar Oct 22, 2002 11:00 pm

Mesajde dEpEchEmIND » Dum Feb 15, 2004 6:18 pm

Three guys at a magic swimming pool. The first one thought: Whisky!
And he took a whisky bath..
The second one thought: Pepsi!
And he swimmed in a pool full of Pepsi.
The third one jumped and saw that the swimming pool was empty, so he shouted: Shit!
Subscriu.

Oribilul Mosh is on your ignore list.
Avatar utilizator
dEpEchEmIND
Junior Member
 
Mesaje: 2020
Membru din: Mie Aug 21, 2002 11:00 pm

Mesajde wwritza » Sâm Feb 28, 2004 4:01 am

A woman took her sick duck to the vet and was told: ‘Sorry Madam- your duck is dead.’ The woman found this devastating news difficult to believe.
At this point, in walked a black labrador. It took one look at the duck, then at the vet, and confirmed that the duck was truly dead.
After this, a cat walked in , laid its paws on the duck and said: ’yes, this duck is dead.’
The vet turned to the woman and said: ‘That will be £40 please.’
‘What?’ exclaimed the woman, ‘£40 just to tell me my duck is dead?’
‘Well’ , said the vet, ‘if you had believed me in the first place it would only cost you £20 – but you had the lab test and the cat scan ‘.
I know who I am and what I am about but I enjoy the journey more than the arival and feel that life for me is about increasing my understanding of the world...
Avatar utilizator
wwritza
 
Mesaje: 981
Membru din: Vin Noi 28, 2003 12:00 am

Mesajde Weet-weet » Dum Mar 14, 2004 8:46 pm

Q : Why did they use PMS to name the "special " way women act before their period ?
A : Because " mad cow disease " was already taken .

You have viruses , worms , trojans .. and after that ? After that you have Windows : the only virus for which you have to pay , to have it :D
Anti pro-ana
Avatar utilizator
Weet-weet
 
Mesaje: 2682
Membru din: Joi Iun 19, 2003 11:00 pm

Mesajde Weet-weet » Mar Mar 16, 2004 7:12 pm

*A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can
get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About 2 Hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says "About 3
hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber, who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the
shop and says, "Hey Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing
hysterically. The barber asks "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says "Your house"

*Rednecks In the back woods of Southern Alabama.

A redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was
called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there " said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern
down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes, he
had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down. There's another one!" said the
doctor.

Within a few minutes, he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no, don't be
in a hurry to put down that lantern! It seems there's yet another one
coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Ya
reckon the light's attractin 'em?
Anti pro-ana
Avatar utilizator
Weet-weet
 
Mesaje: 2682
Membru din: Joi Iun 19, 2003 11:00 pm

Mesajde Dreamy_Girl » Vin Apr 16, 2004 10:15 pm

A lady goes to the Court, as a whitness.
The judge asks her:
-Do you swear that you'll say the trruth and only the truth?
-But, sir, I'm a very polite person: I never swear!
Merg mai departe-acum------------Dac-ai sti
Sa caut iar lumina sa caut iarasi--Ce-i iubirea
Ce-am pierdut----------------------Poate-ai gasi fericirea
DIRECTIA 5-"Merg mai departe/Dac-ai sti"
Avatar utilizator
Dreamy_Girl
Junior Member
 
Mesaje: 305
Membru din: Sâm Ian 11, 2003 12:00 am

Mesajde Weet-weet » Joi Ian 06, 2005 2:09 pm

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the
wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?
"He says : "O.K., Get in the car with it."
She asked : "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says : "Put it in between your legs It's nice and warm there."
She says : "But what about the smell?"
He says : "Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
Anti pro-ana
Avatar utilizator
Weet-weet
 
Mesaje: 2682
Membru din: Joi Iun 19, 2003 11:00 pm

Jesus and the drugs - bancu zilei

Mesajde nocturna » Joi Ian 13, 2005 3:12 pm

Jesus was getting more and more annoyed at the drugs problem on earth. He called an emergency meeting with his apostles and after a few hours, they all decided that they needed more information. So the apostles volunteered to go on earth and to bring back samples of each drug. After a few days, the apostles start coming back.
- Who's there?
- It's Paul.
Jesus opens the door.
- What did you bring back, Paul?
- Haschich from Morrocco.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Mark.
Jesus opens the door.
- What did you bring back, Marc?
- Marijuana from Columbia.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Matthew.
Jesus opens the door.
- What did you bring back, Matthew?
- Cocaine from Columbia.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's John.
Jesus opens the door.
- What did you bring back, John?
- Ecstasy from Montreal.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Luke.
Jesus opens the door
- What did you bring back, Luke?
- Speed from Amsterdam.
- Excellent, come in.
- Who's there?
- It's Judas.
Jesus opens the door.
- What did you bring back, Judas?
- FBI!!! Everyone against the wall!
"Sunt un om. Mi se pare ca e de ajuns"

A.K.M. powered by another.ro
Avatar utilizator
nocturna
 
Mesaje: 8725
Membru din: Mie Dec 04, 2002 12:00 am

Mesajde theOffender » Mie Ian 19, 2005 7:29 am

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, "DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. They're coming for CHRISTMAS and paying their own way."
what is freedom of expression? without the freedom to offend, it ceases to exist - salman rushdie
Avatar utilizator
theOffender
 
Mesaje: 2094
Membru din: Lun Iul 19, 2004 11:00 pm

Mesajde nbm » Vin Ian 21, 2005 12:23 pm

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of the house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the car and comes into the house.
He sits in the living room with the parents and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation.
But I will take charge and try to do the right thing.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank accunt. If a boy is born, my legacy will be several factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each."
"However", the gentleman goes on, "if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls' father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
"You FUCK her again!!!"
GOD must love STUPID PEOPLE. HE made SO MANY!!!
Avatar utilizator
nbm
 
Mesaje: 4958
Membru din: Dum Iul 25, 2004 11:00 pm

Mesajde nbm » Mie Ian 26, 2005 5:18 pm

A Chinese couple got married.
When a baby girl was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown.
Finally, the father named the baby SUM TING RONG.
GOD must love STUPID PEOPLE. HE made SO MANY!!!
Avatar utilizator
nbm
 
Mesaje: 4958
Membru din: Dum Iul 25, 2004 11:00 pm

What is Effective Communication ????

Mesajde nbm » Vin Ian 28, 2005 4:22 pm

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?"

But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation..........?
GOD must love STUPID PEOPLE. HE made SO MANY!!!
Avatar utilizator
nbm
 
Mesaje: 4958
Membru din: Dum Iul 25, 2004 11:00 pm

Mesajde dawn297 » Sâm Ian 29, 2005 5:25 pm

Bear sits in front of a TV set,
he changes the channel and there's "Camera between animals".
"Damn it! - he says - those reality shows are everytwhere!!"
dawn297
Junior Member
 
Mesaje: 3
Membru din: Sâm Ian 29, 2005 5:12 pm
Localitate: galati

Office wisdom

Mesajde nbm » Joi Feb 24, 2005 1:46 pm

1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.
4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.
5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
6. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.
7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.
8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!
9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.
10. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
11. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
12. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
13. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
14. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
15. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
16. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
17. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.
18. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
19. If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
20. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?
21. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?
22. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.
23. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
GOD must love STUPID PEOPLE. HE made SO MANY!!!
Avatar utilizator
nbm
 
Mesaje: 4958
Membru din: Dum Iul 25, 2004 11:00 pm

Mesajde nbm » Vin Feb 25, 2005 2:03 pm

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
„How do you feel about sex?â€Â
GOD must love STUPID PEOPLE. HE made SO MANY!!!
Avatar utilizator
nbm
 
Mesaje: 4958
Membru din: Dum Iul 25, 2004 11:00 pm

Improper Language Usage

Mesajde gogo_man » Mie Mar 09, 2005 9:52 am

It has been brought to our attention by several
officials visiting our office in Romania that offensive language is
commonly used by our Romanian speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition
to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to
both visitors and staff. All personnel will immediately adhere to the
following rules:


1.. Words like futu-i, in pula mea, pula and other
such expressions will not be tolerated or used for emphasis or
dramatic effect, no matter how heated a discussion may become.
2. You will not say si-a bagat pula when someone makes a mistake, or s-a
cacat pe el if you see someone being reprehended, or baga-mi-as, when a
major mistake has been made. All forms and derivations of the verb
a se caca and a se fute are utterly inappropriate and unacceptable
in our environment.
3. No project manager, section head or administrator under any circumstances
will be referred to as pula de om,cacanaru' or boul.
4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as pulalau nor will
persons who lack initiative be referred to as muiangiu.
5. Unusual or creative ideas offered by management are not to be
referred to as porcarii.
6. Do not say futu-ti mata if somebody is
persistent; do not add pula mea, if a colleague is going through a difficult
situation. Furthermore, you must not say am pus-o (refer to item 2) nor o sa
ne-o traga when a matter becomes excessively complicated.
7. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must
not say du-te-n pula nor should you ever substitute "May I help
you?" with, ce pula mea vrei?.
8. Under no circumstances should you ever call your elderly industrial
partners bosorogi imputiti.
9. Do not say ia mai mereti-n pula cu cacatu' asta
when a relevant project is presented to you, nor should you ever
answer futu-te-n cur when your assistance is required.
10. You should never call partner representatives
as boul dracului or tampitu' ala.
11. The sexual behavior of our staff is not to be
discussed in terms such as pizdulica buna, futaciosu' or homalau' lu'
peste.
12. Last but not least, after reading this note,
please do not say ma sterg la cur cu textul asta.
Just keep it clean and dispose of it properly.
Thank you.
Avatar utilizator
gogo_man
Junior Member
 
Mesaje: 21
Membru din: Joi Ian 27, 2005 12:00 am

Următorul

Înapoi la Bancuri

Cine este conectat

Utilizatorii ce navighează pe acest forum: Niciun utilizator înregistrat şi 2 vizitatori