In English

[nbm]

acum cateva zile baietii de la eurosport au organizat un sondaj cu privire la cel mai bun jucator al anilor '90....
cum au fost foarte multe voturi din bulgaria si romania ... prea multe zic ei... au anulat sondajul...
in urma aceseti mutari - iata raspunsul unuia dintre votantii din romania

Subject: [joke] suparat pe eurosport.co.uk


Dear EuroSport.co.uk,

I am very disappointed that you took down the poll for "player of the
90's", due to very heavy voting from Romania and Bulgaria.
Frankly, I do not understand what did we do wrong.

I understand that you were upset because top players such as Romario
and Batistuta received very few votes compared to Hagi and Stoicicov.
Is there a chance that this happened because nobody gave a damn about
Romario and Batistuta? Maybe Brazil and Argentina do not have very
good Internet connection, or maybe they are too busy actually playing
football instead of voting it? As Romanians, we do give a damn about
Hagi, as the current generation of players is quite retarded, as you
could see for yourself in the Mutu case. However, he did screw a
couple of your women, so you might as well give him credit for that.
Returning to Hagi, I remember that the Romanian team, having Hagi as
captain, did kick your royal British asses (or "arses", as you call
them) a couple of times, so you should have been proud to be beaten by the
"player of the 90's". And yes, we did kick the asses of Batistuta's team
in the 1994 World Cup Tournament.

Maybe you were upset because some Romanians voted for several times
from the same computer. However, this could have been prevented easily if
your voting script was properly programmed. You see, every computer has a
unique Internet address, which is called IP (read as "I Pee"). I understand
that you are very poor and that you must use your reporters to do your Web
Programming, but next time you should consider hiring some Romanian high
school students. They will do it properly, and they are also cheap.

Honestly, you should not be mad at us for voting in such large
numbers. After all, this means that you received a very large number
of visits to your site from Romania, which is remarkable considering
the fact that your site is so shitty. Keep posting polls like that,
and your traffic may reach new, unimaginable heights.

It is a shame that the idea of Fair Play, which was your creation, is
not found too often in your everyday life. I am sure that you will
find a better way to select the "player of the 90's", which will
prevent Romanians from voting. What about taxing a 1000-euro per vote,
is this a good idea?

Please excuse my Romanian English, which may sound horrible to your
ears. I can assure you that the feeling is mutual, and that I don't
give a rat's ass on your Cambridge language tests. However, I am
pretty sure that if I tell you to go fuck yourselves, you will
understand.

Yours truly,

Naspa Rau (loosely translated as Awfully Bad)

[nbm]

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl to marry him.
The girl said "No"
And the guy lived happily ever after.

[Arthemis]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him. The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pounds, my right testicle weighs 1 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around."

[nbm]

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you.
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you,
The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you.
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you.
This morning I stopped reading.

[nbm]

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him:
"So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"
To which the new husband replied:
"It isn't that bad. Past the first 5 cm, it's all brand new."

[sol]

A sailor gets himself a big old parrot... only too late to find out that the silly bird used very offensive language when addressing no matter whom.
"If I hear one more fuckyou you're deadmeat... in the fridge!" the sailor says.
Old habits die hard, so the parrot finds himself thrown into the fridge... then two minutes later, out, forgiven "for now". So here it goes: "Beloved Master!Thank you for your extreme generosity and compassion - I must admit I used to speak highly offensive words but I am determined to from now on avoid at all costs any other language but standard Royal, and nevermore abuse your tolerance and your sensitivity with suggestive phrasing - I do have one question, though, if I may: what did the chicken do?"

[nbm]

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus: "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back: "send me your mother"

[Mirela]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border...
The Italian Customs agent stops them and says:
- It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro.
- Vot do you mean iz illegal? asks the German driver.
- Quattro meansa four, replies the Italian official.
- Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile, the Germans retort unbelievingly. Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons.
- You can'ta pulla thata one on me!, replies the Italian customs agent. Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law.
The German driver replies angrily
- You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!
- Sorry, responds the Italian official, He can'ta. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

[sol]

Outside of a dog a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

[nbm]

Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Paul found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Paul, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight!"

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story. Paul started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, .............then, Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."


Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

[sol]

A pianist walks into an awfully complex bar and knocks his head off.

[sol]

Spielberg is doing one more list-movie: all the composers who ever lived. So he asks all the best hot shots to enroll. De Niro comes first and says <I'll be Beethoven>, Di Caprio follows close quite as determined (<I'll be Mozart>)... Finally all the parts are taken... and here comes belated Schwarzenneger: <I'll be bach!>

[nbm]

A hamster and a rat were sitting on the side of a swimming pool.
They were enjoying the sun.
Suddenly the rat turned to the hamster and asked him:
"Dude, How come people consider me a nuisance, and you a pet?
How come people pay money to have you, while they are trying to kill me?
How come you are considered a cute little animal, while I am considered creepy and disgusting?
How come you live in a warm home, and I have to stay in the sewer?"
So the hamster answered:

"It's branding, dude."

[nbm]

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will
be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the
first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending
again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many
in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system...
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons...
When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.

[sol]

Three researchers on a deserted island have a meatcan they can't open.
The physicist says: "Let's bump it against the rocks and assume the shock can break it open."
The chemist says: "Let's place it on a fire and assume boiling might trigger reactions developing enough gas to blow it open."
The economist says: "Let's assume we've got a can opener."

And the moral of that is: if you can't dazzle'em with your wit, stun'em with your shit.

[nbm]

Year 1981
=========

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe

Year 2005
=========
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)

*** In Future, if Charles wants to re-marry, Liverpool needs another crown

[nbm]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

[sol]

Japanese error messages

In Japan, the Sony Vaio computer systems have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Windows 95/98 error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each only 17 syllables.

Here are some samples:

A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek Can not be located but Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

ABORTED effort: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies So beautifully.

With searching comes loss And the presence of absence:"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao--until you bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone.

Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here.

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

[weed13]

Hearing so many people speaking about his intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided to get his brain checked.
The physician diagnosis was as follows:
- Mr. President, you have the brain divided in two parts like all normal people.
But the problem is that in your left part there is nothing right, and inyour right part of brain there is nothing left.

[older]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year
phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

[nbm]

doar daca aveti cunostinte de fizica, sa nu ma injurati dup-aia

All the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek.
Unfortunately, Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count up to 100 and then start searching.
Everyone starts hiding except Newton. Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein. Einstein's counting: 1,2,3..97,98,99,100.
He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front. Einstein says "Newton's out."
Newton denies and says Newton is not out. He claims that he is not Newton.
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared ... That makes me Newton per meter squared ... since a Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, therefore Pascal is OUT."

[cubu]

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's
tests results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of
mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from
your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith
were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is
your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr.Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for
Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell
which is your wife."

Mr Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your
wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way
home, don't fuck her.

[cubu]

Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen
---------
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three
kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me; I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses
and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, please advice!!!

Your Sweet Heart

[memetshot]

An old mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to the bed. "You
lissin-a me - I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so
you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your
rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup and lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna
have a beautifulla wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a coulple a
bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find your beautifula
wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to your
watch and
say: 'Time's up?'"

[Arthemis]

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

[cubu]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin
and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to
me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your
private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the
prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the
prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling
with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems
to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to
re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his
cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new
experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile,
"Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs
of a recently born foalk.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped
again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a
life sentence, OKAY!

[Crazy Babe]

Three male dogs walking down the street see a beautiful female poodle and start drooling. Aware of her effect on them, the poodle says: "Whoever uses the words liver and cheese in the cleaverest sentence can go out with me."
The muscular black Lab blurts out " I love liver and cheese.
"That's so childish", says the poodle.
The tall shiny golden retriever says, " I hate liver and cheese." That's as dumb as the first dog's try.
She turns to the third dog, a Chihuahua, and sais, " Let's see what you can do! The little dog turn to the other two labs and smiles at them and sais, : Liver alone! Cheese mine!


A mom invited some people to dinner. At the table she turned to her six-year old daughter and told her if she would like to give the blessing. She told her mom that she didn't know what to say. " Just say what mommy said before" She bowed her head, closed her eyes and said, " Dear Lord, why on Earth did i invite all these people over?"

[alice]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!" Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[older]

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful



iedit by nbm: older, fii si tu mai atenta la cum scrii sa inteleaga si cititorii ceva

[Arthemis]

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her
with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle
of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.
Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward,
"No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near
Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed,
"No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena
vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and
said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my
glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at
the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and
spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I
was born."


A farmer is giving his blonde wife last-minute instructions
before heading to town to do chores.
"That fellow from the University will be along this afternoon to
inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall
so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his blonde wife understood the instructions, the
farmer leaves for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife
dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall
with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."